By Dan Pickering
Transfer windows are always difficult for me. The past two or three have consisted of me checking various sources several times a day in hopes of finding some promising news. Unfortunately, sifting through transfer rumors, especially ones pertaining to Arsenal, is like sifting through piles and piles of crap. Literal crap. Human crap, horse crap, bear crap, that massive pile of triceratops crap in Jurassic Park. Any or all of these. All I end up with is hands covered in crap, the crap somehow transferred through my keyboard to my hands via osmosis or some other strange science-y process. This does not bode well for eating food or giving high fives. But, it can be a useful tool in giving foes pink eye. So, instead of dealing with transfer rumors, I decided to conjure up some garbage of my own. A script. Not just any script. A script for a Nick Cage and Dwayne Johnson, aka “The Rock”, aka two of the world’s best actors. Well. Here it goes.
A heart wrenching film about two cops slash high school wrestling coaches who are fighting for justice AND the regional wrestling title. Both at the same time. The tagline is: "Never give up. Always take down."
So, being a ground breaking cop movie, it has to be set in Boston. So it is. Both Nick and Dwayne’s characters grew up there in the same neighborhood, but didn’t meet until they went to the academy together. But, neither have a Bostonian accent because they're really bad actors.
The first part of the film involves setting up character backstories. So the opening scene involves Nick and the Rock picking up some hot dogs on the street corner when generic ski mask criminal number 1 runs by with an old lady’s stolen purse. Nick takes a bite of his hot dog and says, “Don’t criminals know cops have to eat, too? Third time this week.” Then the Rock, nicknamed ‘Tank’ chuckles, then puts on his serious face, saying, “Let’s drop that fool.” The guys run him down and head back to the station. Cut to the office. Pan the desks. One of their daughters was killed. That's why he became a cop. Let's pick Nick Cage. He’s got a family picture on his desk. Tank’s desk has a picture of his dog and his pregnant wife. “Good work today, Tony, I’m heading out. Got to feed Nibbles (his dog’s name) and see how the wife is holding up. Don’t work too late.” “Just want to finish up this paperwork,” says Tony (Nick Cage). Lights at the station are out except the ones at Tony’s desk. Pan to Tony. He’s crying, holding the family picture at his desk. ‘Angel’ by Sarah McLachlan starts to play while the camera fades to Tony’s car. There’s a picture of his daughter under the sun visor. You know, the place where your dad keeps the dry cleaning receipts.
Now it’s Monday. Guys get called into the captain’s office. New assignment. A drug lord. The same drug lord that killed Tony’s daughter, because why not. Villain’s name is Big Al or something cool like that.
Ten minutes of stale, generic dialogue coupled with interrogation montages while the guys are hunting down leads. They got a lead. They head to Warehouse 45 in a sketchy part of town.
“You going to be alright?” “Yeah, I’m fine,” says Tony, shaking nervously loading his gun. “I mean, Big Al might not even be there,” says Tank. I’m still working on Tank’s actual name. I’m not sure he needs one to be honest. “I said I’m fine,” retorts Tony. Big Al is played by John Travolta.
Tony and Tank bust in; women processing heroin; madness ensues; the guys kill most of the bad guys in the room, who are all really unprepared and/or apparently have never held a gun in their lives. One guy’s left. He’s a similar build as Big Al, but he’s masked. "They say time heals all wounds. Let's see if it heals this." Nick Cage shoots the villain in the face in minute 23 of this intense movie. I’m calling it "Down for the Count,” by the way. Turns out the guy he shot was some other bad guy. Big Al’s number 2 or whatever. The captain wanted number 2 alive at all costs. Movie continues at a bar with Nick and the Rock.
"You alright?" "Yeah. I guess I'm going to lose my job after this mistake. I was already on shaky ground with chief before this," says Nick (Tony). "The chief doesn't need to know about it. I know what they did to your daughter. We're partners, Tony," says the Rock 'emotionally.' "Next one's one me, partner." Tank buys Tony a Coors, as Coors paid the most for product placement. And, Coors is called “the silver bullet” and it’s a cop movie. Yeah, I know. I just blew your mind.
Plot thickens, why not, when the guys get a call at the bar. Big Al has taken hostages. A couple of them are kids. Nick's ready to kill. "Time to spill some blood. You better sit this one out, Tank. Your wife's pregnant," says Nick (Tony). "No. Partners for life." "Ok." But wait. The place is cleared when the get there. "Big Al's cleared the place." Cut to Big Al in another shady warehouse by the docks, laughing hysterically.
That was a disappointment. Big Al not there. Guys need a break. They go to wrestling practice. They're coaches for the local high school wrestling team, remember? Nick Cage takes it too seriously. His mind is on the job. He yells at Randy Jenkins, some skinny ginger kid. The Rock has to pull him aside. "Tony, you got pretty intense back there (points to the wrestlers literally right next to them). Maybe you should take the rest of the day off." "My mind is on the job. You're right. I'm sorry." End scene.
On his way out of the gym after wrestling practice the Rock strolls past the school chapel. For some reason the chapel is right next to the gym, where the wrestling occurs. The door's open and lights very dim, obviously. Tony is in there. The Rock, I mean Tank, says "You haven't been the same since they killed your daughter and your wife left you. I haven't seen you this bad since we were in the war together." What war? I don't know. It's a Nick Cage movie. It's got plot holes. "I started thinking about her again. I followed her home last night. She's seeing someone." Fade to Katie Holmes eating dinner with Kevin Costner at Olive Garden. Kevin Costner is supposed to be British, but he, too, doesn’t have an accent. Fade back to Tony crying. ‘With Arms Wide Open’ begins to play as the Rock says, “Never give up…” Tony replies with, “Always take down.”
Now, I’m sure you’re on the edge of your seats, but transfer window is only half way over. Therefore, you only get half of the movie. Anyhow, I heard we’re about to sign someone. Transfer window goes by so much quicker when old Nicky and The Rock are saving the world. Any reproduction of the above script or plot without the expressed written consent of the NFL is strictly prohibited.
Cheers, my Gooners. Cheers.
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